Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/11/i-have-to-co-manage-with-my-husband-coworker-talks-with-his-mouth-full-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=34345

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. I have to co-manage with my husband

My husband and I work for the same organization and live in a VERY small tourist town in the U.S. (~600 year-round residents and we live about an hour from a Wal-Mart or big box store).

Our organization receives (received) a lot of federal funding. Most of that funding has been cut so we’re looking at downsizing and layoffs. Right now, my husband and I are managers in related but separate departments (think: youth outreach vs. adult education). His department is him and another full-time manager who supervise three full-timers and some seasonal employees, and my department has slightly more staffing. The most likely restructuring would combine our departments, and he and I would likely be the remaining managers for four full-time and around 10 seasonal staff.

Hence, my letter because I have Concerns. While we are very good at keeping our work and relationship separate (we’ve been together for nine years, worked for the org for eight years, and people are routinely surprised when they see us holding hands when out and about in town), the logistics and optics are concerning. If one of us has conflict with an employee, will they feel comfortable going to the other person? When one of us makes an unpopular decision, will they think we have a united front because we’re married and not because we think it’s the best interest of our organization?

Do you have any advice on how to mitigate potential issues and how to establish trust with our seasonal workers or new full-timers? We may have some (very limited) input in how our departments are restructured, so any ideas there?

(And if you’re curious, “Why keep the married couple?” One, we are both very good at what we do, having both received regional awards and been nominated for national recognition in our respective fields. Two, my co-manager is retiring and his co-manager, while kind and lovely, struggles with some of the more intricate parts of the job and has expressed interest in moving back to his former position. Three, our jobs involve delivering various services to vulnerable local and satellite communities, and it takes years to build relationships with those communities. He and I have spent years building up trust and only now are able to connect in the way that we need. Firing one or both of us could have long-lasting impacts in the community and our org’s ability to efficiently fulfill its mission. And, we don’t want to leave. We love this org, we love what we’ve built, and because we’re in a small rural town, there just aren’t that many other options so we want to try to make this work.)

The biggest thing you can do is to deputize someone for people to go to with concerns about either of you — someone who is not one of you and someone who it’s understood has real capital and influence (so that people are confident that this person is well-positioned to actually raise the concerns with you or someone above you). There should also be a clear pathway for people to go over your heads if something is serious, such as by having your own boss cultivate relationships with  your team and be deliberate about creating avenues for ongoing conversations with them (both formally and informally), so people feel comfortable approaching her if something about the Couple Set-Up makes them uneasy approaching either of you. You could be clear about what topics would warrant that (for example, concerns about harassment, discrimination, significant management issues, or ethics).

It will also help to have very clear delineations of responsibility for each of you — so you’re not both responsible for XYZ, but rather you are responsible for X and he is responsible for YZ — and try to keep clear boundaries there as much as you can.

Last, give some thought to how this will impact your relationship! That is a lot of life overlap, so find ways to ensure that when you’re not at work you’re relating to each other as a married couple, not as colleagues.

2. Lunch with a coworker who talks with his mouth full

Very low stakes question: I have a colleague who I used to work with (he’s since moved teams but still in the same building) and we have had a lunch due for a while. We went last week and it was AWFUL: he talks with his mouth full CONSTANTLY. He talks a lot and he takes big bites. It was really not nice and very obvious, we had a table very close by and the two guys eating there even noticed.

If relevant, this person has enough work experience to have learned social cues on eating in public at least in a professional setting. And it’s not a cultural thing. The lunch was informal but still during working hours close to the office.

He paid and said next it’s on me. I am dreading having to spend again an hour seeing food in his mouth. I don’t want to offer a coffee as it feels like being cheap.

Since he moved teams we don’t interact anymore work-wise but I feel, out of politeness, that I need to eventually return the invite. What would you advise?

There are some relationships, even work ones, where you could say, “Dude, you’re talking with your mouth full!” But assuming this isn’t one of them (and I’m guessing it’s not or you wouldn’t be asking) … suggest coffee next time.

Most people aren’t keeping track of this kind of thing closely enough to feel deep resentment if they paid for a lunch and then you returned the favor with a coffee. It would be different if he were buying multiple lunches and you kept reciprocating with just coffee (assuming you were peers), but him paying for a single lunch does not obligate you to undergo another display of terrible table manners.

3. How do I explain my predecessor’s poor work quality to clients?

I am a manager of managers at a job that essentially comes down to writing extremely lengthy technical reports. While we are a private company, the reports are depended upon by numerous state and federal agencies, nonprofits, and others. It would not be an exaggeration to say people’s lives depend on the reports.

Before I started this position, the person who managed this unit was full of passion but not great at the job, and the reports from that era are sloppy and full of errors and don’t provide what is needed. My predecessor was let go, and I was brought in to get the department in shape. I’ve been leading the unit now for several years, and there has been an enormous turn-around and now we are nationally known in our field for the quality of our work. (Yay!) However, I still get calls occasionally from people needing one of the older reports. I feel like I should give a disclaimer, and usually I do, that the work isn’t reflective of who we are now and that I would be happy to redo the report at no cost. At the same time I am nervous about exposing us to liability by saying, “Hey when we did this job for you? We may have totally screwed up.” What are your suggestions for how to navigate this?

Could you say something like, “We’ve made some changes in our methodology for doing these so if you’d like us to rerun it using our current process, we’d be happy to”? Or even, “We’ve made some changes in our methodology, which has made these more precise, so if you’d like us to rerun it using our current process, we’d be happy to”?

4. Is it a risk to work for a very small company?

I’ve been reading your column for a long time and it’s really helped me with workplace norms in a decidedly abnormal field.

However, I have a question about small companies. A lot of times people write in asking if such-and-such is legal or not — and it seems like, a lot of the time, what’s illegal for a large company is legal for a small company. If I understand correctly, in many states, companies with under 50 employees can basically get away with anything, including wage discrimination, age discrimination, gender discrimination, not providing healthcare to full-time employees, not providing certain accommodations … the list goes on.

This makes it seem like a significant risk to accept work with a small company. For those applying to jobs, should this play into the calculus? For those (like me) who already work for small companies, how do we navigate these issues when we’re exposed to them, especially if we can’t use the law as leverage?

That’s not entirely correct, although sometimes it is. The federal laws against discriminating based on race, sex, religion, pregnancy, disability, and other protected classes, as well as the federal laws against harassment, kick in at 15 employees. (You said 50, but that’s just the number of employees where FMLA applies.) But many states have similar laws that kick in at lower thresholds (often at one employee). Not all do, though — so yes, if you’re in a state that doesn’t and you’re at a company with 14 or fewer employees, you will have substantially fewer legal protections than at companies with 15+ employees.

And yes, that should play into the calculus when considering a job at a very small company — along with all the other potential issues with working for very small companies, like that any dysfunction tends to be magnified. Without legal protection, your only real leverage is your willingness to leave (or to band together with colleagues and push for change).

5. When should I start job-searching?

I have been laid off from my software development job at a manufacturing company. My last day is eight months away. When should I start applying for new jobs?

Now. You don’t know how long a job search will take, particularly in this economy. You can be choosy if you start the search now, whereas the longer you wait, the more pressure you’ll feel to take whatever is offered.

The post I have to co-manage with my husband, coworker talks with his mouth full, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/11/i-have-to-co-manage-with-my-husband-coworker-talks-with-his-mouth-full-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=34345

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/11/should-you-put-fan-fiction-on-your-resume-can-i-avoid-my-boss-at-the-company-party-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=34093

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Should you put fan fiction on your resume?

I saw someone online saying that they write fan fiction at Ao3 and so on their resume they put “independent fiction writer” or “independent online publishing project” without explaining what they write or that it’s at Ao3. They say that if you’re asked about it in an interview, you can answer with, “I prefer to keep my personal creative work separate from my professional identity, but I’ve used it as a way to improve my writing, editing, and consistency over time.” This seems like a really bad idea to me, but is it?

Yes, it’s a bad idea. If you prefer to keep your personal creative work separate from your professional identity, then you shouldn’t put it on your resume! Anything on your resume is assumed to be fair game for interviewers to ask about, since by definition you’re offering it up as evidence of your qualifications — so if you then refuse to discuss it, it’s going to come across really badly.

Moreover, the fact that you’ve written things isn’t in itself a qualification; they need to see that it’s good writing, by seeing samples of it or at least by seeing that it was vetted and published by someone qualified to judge it.

So at an absolute minimum it won’t help you at all — because for all they know the writing doesn’t really exist, since you’re not willing to talk about it (thereby negating the point of including it in the first place) — but beyond that it likely to actively count against you by making you look shady or just … off.

2. My boss told me what I did was “unacceptable”

I work as a middle manager in a large corporation. A few weeks ago, I received a notification that an intern we were expecting wouldn’t be available for a few more weeks. I flagged it for my manager, received his approval, and approved as well. My manager is now on leave until the end of the year, and his manager has been the new go-to. During my weekly update, I included this request/approval, and it was not received well.

My grandboss told me it was unacceptable that I had not included details about this intern’s delay sooner. He asked to see the request itself and where my boss had provided approval. I sent those over right away and realized that when I sent the notice to my boss, I had sent the entire request but hadn’t been super clear about how long the delay would be. I said this to my grandboss and apologized.

I admit that I shut down after hearing him call my mistake unacceptable. Every explanation I had just seemed like an excuse, so I gave short answers. He insinuated that I had not read the email in full, because how else would I think this wasn’t a huge deal, and commented on how this proves what he’s been saying and that I needed leadership training. (This was news to me.)

I have no problem owning a mistake, and I understand that I am ultimately the one at fault. But I am at a loss on how I could have responded in this situation that would allow me to stand up for myself while also accepting the mistake. It seems as though he just wanted me to grovel. My boss had not flagged any performance issues with me, but I’m concerned this indicates that my work is seen as poor.

This is not the first time I have worked directly with my grandboss. Before this, I would have said we had a good working relationship. Any tips on how I could have handled this better? Do I approach him again? Do I bring this up when my manager returns?

How big a deal is it actually that an intern is starting a few weeks later than planned? Interns aren’t usually crucial to business operations, and a few weeks delay in anyone’s start date isn’t normally a disaster unless they need to immediately take on essential, time-sensitive work (which isn’t typically the case for interns). So first, do you even agree with your grandboss that this is a big deal? Would your boss agree, if he knew about it?

Does your boss’s boss have a history of overreacting to things? Or of being super controlling (and so his ire here might be more about not being kept in the loop on something relatively minor, rather than about the delay itself)? Because this sounds fundamentally like a weird reaction.

Separate from that, though, I’m not sure exactly what you shutting down and giving short answers looked like, but it’s possible that it came across differently than you’d want — such as uninvested, unconcerned, or even rude. Ideally you’d have said, “I didn’t think pushing out the start date by a few weeks would interfere with any projects, and since I thought Rowan was looped in, I didn’t realize it was something I should flag for you earlier. I’ll handle anything like that differently going forward.” You could still say that now, but more important is probably talking with your boss when he returns, explaining what happened, and asking for his help in understanding where his boss was coming from, what that leadership training comment was about, and whether there are issues with how your grandboss sees your work more broadly (because his comments implied that, and that’s something you’ve got to dig into now).

3. My former boss is telling people I was fired for working 2 jobs — I wasn’t

I was heavily recruited to join a company earlier this year. Shortly after I started, I knew it was a mistake. My training was passed off to other (overworked) members of my team who had no time, the manager of my team was always unavailable for questions, and the whole environment was toxic and unstable. My one-on-one meetings with my boss were either canceled or only a few minutes long, with a “you’re doing fine!” I poured a ton of time and effort in to get up to speed quickly but, after only a few months, had an abrupt meeting put on my calendar with the manager and HR to let me know I wasn’t a good fit. Although unexpected, I was definitely not heartbroken to leave the chaos behind.

My issue is that I have remained friends with several of my colleagues who still work there, and one let me know that today in an all-hands meeting, that manager said I was let go because I was working two jobs at once, which absolutely was not true. That job took up so much time, there was no way I could have juggled two jobs even if I had wanted to. I’m puzzled as to why she would make up this lie, and why she would bring it up now to the entire team after I’ve been gone for six months. It’s really bothering me, but I’m thinking it’s not worth addressing with her. Thoughts?

It’s worth addressing; she’s spreading false information about you! It’s possible that it’s intentional, or maybe things are so chaotic there that she’s confusing you with someone else, or maybe she really thought that for some reason — who knows. But it’s reasonable to email her, cc’ing HR, and saying something like, “I’ve been alerted that you’re telling employees that I was fired for working two jobs at once, which is unequivocally not the case. I did my best while I was there and was disappointed when it didn’t work out, and I am requesting confirmation from the company that you are not misrepresenting the circumstances of my departure.” Alternately, skip the manager and just send it straight to HR.

You could also have a lawyer handle this for you, pointing out that lying about the facts of your firing is defamation, but I don’t know that it’s worth paying a lawyer to deal with it unless you also plan on using this company as a reference, which I’m guessing you don’t.

4. I don’t know if my office has anywhere private for me to pump

I work in a very small department of a large organization, and I’ll be going on maternity leave in January. I know that when I return, legally my job has to provide me with a space to pump that is available when I need it, private/not accessible to the public or coworkers, and not the bathroom. The big issue I’m seeing: there’s really no space that meets those requirements in our small, quirky, historical building. While some people have offices with doors that shut, those coworkers all work busy and unpredictable schedules with lots of virtual meetings, and I don’t think that booting a coworker out of their office would work other than in a pinch very occasionally. Our conference rooms all have glass doors, and we don’t even have a supply closet or break room I could use. I know that there is a chance my plans for pumping/breastfeeding don’t work out, but I am wondering if this is an issue I should raise now, or wait until the beginning of the year (but at least six weeks before my return date) when I have a better idea if this is an accommodation I’ll actually need?

I generally like to try and problem solve before bringing something to my boss, but right now my only options are to request that some not insignificant work be done in our building to create a space for me (very unlikely to happen due to budget constraints), request that they provide a room for me elsewhere on campus (okay but not appealing because I’d have to walk 5-10 minutes to another building each time I needed to pump), or request a work-from-home accommodation/hybrid schedule due to pumping (which I’d love and I’ll have childcare so that wouldn’t be a conflict, but I doubt would be granted even though my work could be done remotely and I’d be willing to come in a few hours a day). For what it’s worth, I do think our HR department is very reasonable on most things, but this is not an issue where I can think up a simple solution that will make everyone happy.

The simplest solution would be to make one of the conference rooms private by covering the glass in the door. It’s not on you to solve — it’s up to them to figure out how to meet their legal obligations — but it does make sense to ask about it now so they have time to come up with solutions. When you do, you can say, “I’m not sure what’s available as a private space, but one idea I had was to cover the glass on one of the conference rooms for privacy and use that.” (Also, if that is what they settle on, make sure there’s a system for ensuring it remains available to you; a covered glass window won’t matter if the room is in use when you need it.)

5. Can I avoid my boss at the company party?

Is it really necessary to spend time with your manager at a company’s casual party? The management has been horrible with me by giving me two people’s worth of work and then deducting my bonus because I couldn’t action it all on time.

I only want to say “hi, how are you?” and that’s it. But last year when I did that, he said people noticed and a big drama could be caused. Could there be any problems or HR-related issues for me if I avoid him? I cannot leave the job for at the moment.

Normally it would be absolutely fine and unremarkable to just pleasantly greet your manager at a party but not hang out talking to him, unless you’re doing something that makes it very obvious that you’re going out of your way to avoid him like ignoring him in a three-person conversation or otherwise pointedly snubbing him. If nothing like that happened, it’s extremely odd that he even noticed it, let alone that it caused drama!

That said, if he complained about it last year, then your life will probably be easier if you spend five minutes talking with him this year  before excusing yourself to get a drink and then just happening to find yourself in conversation with people who are not him for the rest of the party. His behavior is weird, but there’s no gain in standing on principle if a five-minute conversation will satisfy him.

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